30 to 30

Day 30:

I realized last night as I lay in bed that I have 30 days until I bid farewell to my 20's and hit the ripe age of 30. My first reaction was to scream and cry and beg God to extend the decade of irresponsibility and youth. But quick reflection reminded me that my 20's were full of shit. I'm not sure that I could survive another decade chock full of experiences similar to what I've already incurred. But that's not what this post is about. I had a lot of fuck ups throughout my 20's, which I shall hence forth and forever more refer to as learning experiences. But this is the opportunity to put them behind me and embrace the chance for change, a fresh start, and a new perspective.

Much of my 20's was spent wallowing in fear and self-doubt, which shaped many of my choices and experiences. There's a lot I didn't get right. A lot that I fucked up. A lot of questionable actions taken. A lot of things that I wish I could erase from my memory and the memories of others. A lot of things that I'm not proud of and wish I could go back and change. But then, that's life. Who among us doesn't have a long list of things they'd prefer to expunge from their life record? And isn't that what are 20's above all other decades are for? They are the time for us to explore and stumble. The time for us to be messy, filthy even. Years of opportunities for us to build things upon our foundations and to then tear those ramshackle creations down because for whatever reason they didn't work. And they are the time for us to dig up our foundations if we need in order to build a sturdier, more fortified future self.

From the moment I hit the big 2-0, I felt I was supposed to know exactly what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be. I felt that I needed to have a direction, and it was my job to follow that direction into well-adjusted adulthood. But with each passing year, I became more and more confused about who I was and what it was I loved and what it was I really wanted to do. This made me feel worthless and ashamed despite scripture, therapy, meditative self-help books that all claimed the opposite. And all the confusion and shame led to actions that caused me pain and even more shame.

And you know what? All of the not knowing, stumbling, and uncertainty is ok. Those who actually have their shit together in their 20's are few and far between. The majority of the age group are just really good actors. It really is true that we're all just trying to figure out this crazy world. And now, here at the threshold of 30, I still haven't gained much ground. I'm only a few baby steps ahead of where I was at 20 in terms of knowing who I am and what I want to be. Yet that's still progress, and I will sashay into 30 with confidence and the knowledge that I don't have to have it all figured out. Life is learning. We are all perpetual students.

So in these last 30 days leading up to my 30th birthday I will celebrate my life thus far, the ups and downs, and the way they have shaped me. Each day I will do something that challenges me, motivates me, and propels me closer to the person I want to be and the life I want to live-- a hazy idea that's beginning to sharpen around the edges.